It's been a couple of years since I last posted. I'm writing tonight because I can't sleep. And I thought about just writing in my personal journal, but this is something that needs to be shared. (I'll apologize in advance for not giving names or details, but you'll understand why I avoid this and hopefully still take something away from this post even without all the context.)

There's this awful quotation I ran across once:

“Heroes. Idols. They're never who you think they are. Shorter. Nastier. Smellier. And when you finally meet them, there's something that makes you want to choke the shit out of them” (attributed to Paul Beatty). 

I never really understood this sentiment until tonight - what could someone labelled a "hero" (especially in your own eyes) do to make you want to choke them? Well, all they have to do is disappoint you.

In my current job I've been fortunate to meet a number of my personal "heroes". I put heroes in quotation marks because these people are not widely known or sitting on laurels or running into burning buildings. But they became heroes to me because of what they thought, what they wrote, and what they advocated for. To me they were gamechangers. Rethinking the way society functions. Challenging the status quo.

It's one thing to watch your heroes from a distance. It's another thing to get onto the playing field with them. Up close I now see the seams in the "do-gooder" image of these people that I spent years cultivating in my mind. They're humans and (shocker) amongst all of their good qualities they also have less appealing qualities like fear, greed, ignorance, jealousy, deceptiveness... the list goes on. 

Tonight I'm trying to work through being angry at my heroes for their actions and human traits. For pursuing things not because they're the best option or the right things to pursue, but because it's safer. For trying to stop things they believe are not possible, before even giving these things a chance to get started. For speaking about half-truths as full truths. For advocating selectively. For putting on blinders and assuming their experience is the only experience. The right experience. The experience everyone should be listening to.

You know, if I didn't have my own experience I wouldn't be so worked up. But the truth is, my experience challenges what some of my heroes are saying. My experience tells me they aren't painting a fair picture. There is some truth to what they say, yes, but it's being generalized as the whole truth. And I disagree. Heck, I know some of the people they're speaking on behalf of disagree! Of course, these people haven't been asked what their opinion of the situation is. And I can almost guarantee that if they were, and if they answered honestly going against what my heroes have said, my heroes would argue they were being coached, or didn't understand the question, or didn't understand what they "really" wanted (even though personal choice is a human right). If their choice didn't jive with the "truth" my heroes would probably reject it.

 Why are my heroes doing this? I keep asking myself this question. The conclusions I come to are equally upsetting:

1. They are innocently ignorant. They simply haven't seen the areas of grey that exist in the topic they're addressing, and as result they honestly believe the situation is black and white. This is upsetting because a) most older, intellectual, well-adjusted people understand that situations are rarely black and white (have I been idolizing people who don't?!) and b) missing out on these experiences of "grey areas" means they've missed out on a wonderful opportunity to better understand human diversity (which makes me sad for them). 
2. They are willfully ignorant. They understand that their stance on the issue is one-sided and does not acknowledge a diversity of realities and experiences. This is upsetting because a) it discredits lived experiences (of those they claim to advocate on behalf of, no less), b) it advocates for a "one-size-fits-all" solution (even though we know this doesn't work in practice EVER), and c) it could result in the destruction of a multiplicity of approaches in favour of a single approach based on a singular (and arguably flawed) "truth". The worst part is that if what they're advocating for happens, it would specifically support the growth of the organizations they run. I'm not against their organizations. They do great work. I would love to see them grow. But not at the expense of other organizations that offer value as well, just using a different approach. That's selfish. And it's the worst part because I never, ever wanted to view my heroes as selfish. 

I can't totally blame them if either of the above situations (or some combination of the two) is true. I'm realizing that as an advocate you're expected to pick a side. Fence-sitting is not okay, because people expect a straightforward "this is wrong, this is how we right it" response. I don't know if I'll ever be a great advocate, because I'm getting worse and worse at generalizing. I don't think this is a bad thing inherently (I'm learning to appreciate that there are a diversity of experiences, perceptions, truths, etc.) but it makes delivering a hardline message really difficult. It makes delivering clear messaging difficult. What's right for one person is wrong for another, so I can't stand up and say "this one thing is right" - because it's only right in a certain context. How will people ever follow what the heck I'm actually advocating for? 

I guess what I advocate for is options. For choice. For creating spaces in which a variety of options can be talked about and realized. Not to the detriment of anyone else, but so that every person can choose the most "right" thing for them. Sometimes this might mean having support to make those choices, but the important thing is that the choices are there and presented to the person in a way that makes sense to them. In our current social and economic environment, what I advocate for is unpopular (to put it mildly). Creating multiple options costs money (and our economy is not doing well) and it also demands that people stop forcing their values onto others to allow room for choice (the ongoing pro-life/pro-choice debate illustrates how difficult this is to overcome). 

So after getting all this off of my chest, where does this leave me? I'm less angry than I was. My heroes are people, not flawless idols - they're bound to do things I disagree with or that make me uncomfortable. I don't value their former contributions any less, but I will absolutely look more critically at the things they say and do in the future. 

It's also a bit of a red flag. Every time I choose to be an advocate I'll have to make choices about messaging. My messages will not always represent everyone. I will likely make some people extremely angry. I'm just hoping I remember to listen to the multiple truths out there when they are raised, and don't jump to telling anyone they're absolutely wrong. If someone is part of a group I'm advocating with or for, their experience is imperative to informed and considerate advocacy. 

Lastly, if anyone ever looks to me as a "hero" I hope I remember to remind myself of my humanity and to forgive myself for it. Before they get close enough to see my seams. And after I disappoint them.

The Tag Alongs: A Very Delayed Part 2

So it has been 8 months since I last posted. And I had originally promised to post again later in the week. Well, don't get me wrong, I tried (multiple times) but was really having trouble finding the right words to encapsulate everything I was going through mentally, physically, and emotionally. But here I am, 8 months later, and I'm about ready to start writing again.

So here's the breakdown of what you've missed:
- I was away from school until November treating the dysentery. I ended up being accepted as a patient at the Tropical Disease Research Unit in Toronto. I visited Toronto a few times between November and February and during December I literally had medical testing of some sort to attend to every couple of days (which isn't easy when you're trying to write exams). I found out the following:

1) When shigellosis is found the lab has to do two rounds of testing on the cultures they obtain, just to be sure. The second round of tests showed that I DID NOT have dysentery (although this is likely what I had in Ghana). E. coli looks frighteningly similar to shigella bacteria, so I probably had an E. coli infection. Anyway, these results were obtained two days into my treatment period on cipro, but the lab forgot to contact me. Or call my doctor. So I was treated for something I didn't have. Luckily cipro is a generalized antibiotic, so it ended up killing whatever bacteria had actually taken up residence in my digestive tract.

2) I had also contracted schistosomiasis. "Schisto" is a parasite that you can pick up from swimming, bathing, or drinking contaminated water. It can cause restless nights, fevers, and sweating because they are mostly active at night. They also cause you to crave starch and sugars, because this is what they feed on. So that explains a number of the symptoms I was still experiencing post-cipro treatment. To be honest, I was lucky to only have a mild case. I swam multiple times in Ghana (I couldn't resist the waterfalls!), used the water for brushing my teeth (it was apparently treated in Hohoe, although I continued to use the water once I was in Tamale despite not knowing how safe it was), and I definitely drank out of the tap in Tamale too (I had heat stroke after visiting Abdul-Malik's family and walking down the street for a bag of water just wasn't happening).

3) I do not have HIV. I did not contract malaria. However, I could be carrying a dormant version of malaria that may become active within the next two to three years, so I'm supposed to be cautious if I feel like I'm coming down with a flu.

- When I returned to school I discovered I was eligible for "disability" status due to my longstanding health issues. This simply means the university will allow me to write my exams in a private room near a washroom where I can eat and drink and take breaks as needed during my exams. They'll also help facilitate postponed exams if I ever happen to miss exams due to illness again. If you have a health condition that makes three hour exam periods stressful, I would seriously advise looking into what options your university has to accommodate you--it can make a world of difference!

- I managed to finish my semester without dropping any courses (although four out of five of my professors suggested this would be academic suicide). I even wrote a paper about shigellosis and drug-resistant bacteria as a globalization movement, which got a much-needed "Excellent work, McCuaig" from Professor Mark Salter (although I still question if he was commenting on my writing skills or my ability to fight tropical disease). On top of that I was able to maintain my average so I didn't lose my scholarship. Looking back I honestly have no idea how I managed to do this. (Shout outs to adrenaline, genetic coding, and bullheadedness!)

- Second semester utterly exhausted me. Plus I was living in perpetual fear of getting sick again. I managed to curb this by focusing my energy on exercise and well-being. I also needed to change my thought process. As a visual thinker I decided the best way to do this would be to start a visual art project that I could contribute to every time I was feeling less than magnificent. I decided to create a wall of gratitude. I made a sign that says "Today I am thankful for..." and stuck it on my wall. Every time I'm feeling really awful about something I sit down and think of something that makes me happy, or helps the world, or allows me to live comfortably. Then I write it out or draw it and stick it up on the wall. Now every day when I wake up the first thing I see is a wall full of colour and thanks. It reminds me to keep things in perspective and to think positively.

A lot of other things happened, but I'm ready to move on from the past so let's look at my present. Today I woke up and went to work at the Assembly of First Nations, an NGO that acts as a representative to the federal government on behalf of indigenous nations within the state of Canada. I started working there at the beginning of May as part of my university co-op program. My official job title is Assistant Policy Analyst and Strategist, but because I work at an NGO this essentially means I help out wherever needed. The main project I'm working on deals with First Nation governance and jurisdiction over determination of citizenship. The AFN's work is mandated by resolutions passed by indigenous Chiefs from across Canada, and last year they voted in favour of the AFN facilitating a national dialogue on First Nation citizenship, with the objective of generating ideas and strategies on ways to lobby the federal government to essentially scrap "Indian Status" (as outlined in the Indian Act) and allow First Nations to determine their own membership using culturally appropriate methods. I will be posting more about this over the summer, but for more information check out our Citizenship WebPortal herea. For more information on discrimination and gender rights abuses within the Indian Act you should watch the last segment of this episode of First Story (Kudos to Kelvin Redvers' whiteboard skills!).

I have recently decided to postpone my schooling until January 2012 after the Assembly offered to extend my contract until December. Although this decision caused me a lot of anxiety initially (it totally de-railed my 5-year plan, yet again!), I am feeling confident that my choice to stay is the right one. I love the people I work with, I have learned more in two months on the job than I did in two years of university, and I come home at night feeling good about what I'm doing. I've developed/improved a ton of skills, including learning how to use web content management systems, webcasting equipment, and teleprompter technology, boosting my graphic design capabilities, and pulling together briefings and condensed content descriptions within short deadlines. Plus I'm learning a lot about indigenous cultures and my own country that I never knew before. I'm even picking up some basics in a couple of indigenous languages.

The best part of my new job is the work environment. Last week we hosted a First Nations veterans' meeting so my day began and ended with a prayer and a drum circle. I can't even begin to describe the sensation of having drum beats and singing voices reverberating in your veins first thing in the morning. It gave me this incredible energy and inexplicable sense of calm that lasted throughout the day, despite a number of stressful situations arising. Over the weekend I attended my first real Pow Wow, and the only thing I didn't love was my inability to join in on the intertribal dances. Between the colourful regalia, beautiful ceremonial objects, beating drums, singing, and crowds of dancers, from the tiniest children to the most respected elders, I was in a state of awe. If you ever have the opportunity to attend a Pow Wow I would highly recommend it--it is an exhilarating experience to say the least!

Aside from work I have continued to busy myself with volunteer projects. I have not forgotten about Gbi Special School. In fact, I am in the process of developing a project proposal for the teachers I have partnered with there in regards to their vocational training programme. Stay tuned for more...